I love the beginning of things. I am excited by the anticipation of the unknown, of new. A new book to dive into, those few seconds before a play or feature film begins, a new group to join, new friends to make. A new project or idea or fitness class. Anything I’ve never tried before. I LOVE it.
I hate endings. I slow down during the last pages of the final chapter because I can’t bear the thought of the story ending. I loathe the lights coming up in the theater and the actors taking their final bow. I get filled with anxiety when I know the event is wrapping up, coming to a close. Endings are junk. I hate them.
So here I am, in the throes of a lot of major transitions that are requiring me to face both beginnings and endings. New baby, with all of the wonderment and joy of an infant. I’m even oddly looking forward to 3am feedings and carrying that little lump around with me everywhere I go (it must be the hormones). Yet, it’s the end of just the three of us. Our little nucleus will be disrupted, forever altered. My daughter will have to contend with another, who will eat up our attention.
New job, with all of the anticipation and whirlwind of those first days and weeks being the “new girl” and getting to know a different system, a different group of colleagues, a different organizational culture. A new beginning with the endless path of possibilities of what I can achieve stretching out in front of me. Yet, I had to face the end of a five year journey, say farewell to friends and colleagues and bosses who have been my daily support and challenge. Yesterday I had to hand in my work ID and walk out those gates for the last time, and it was, well, just sad.
Endings make me feel like I’ve lost my membership to a club I love, even if I’ve outgrown the club and am ready for a new one. Endings fill me with a sense of anxiousness, like I’m in a dream and everyone’s left on the bus already and I’m running through thick mud in slow motion to try to catch up. Wait for me! Don’t leave. Don’t let this be it.
I know in the coming weeks and months I’ll be fully entrenched in my new reality, and probably have forgotten this emotional maelstrom I’m currently encountering. In this moment, though, at this particular instant of my existence, I feel like my body and spirit are being pull in two directions – the gravity holding me to my past life, willing me not to leave, and the energetic magnetic tug of the imminent future propelling me forward.